Photograph by Andrew Harrer / Bloomberg / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Pentagon has turned down Donald J. Trump’s request for a grand
military parade in Washington, D.C., citing a sudden outbreak of bone
spurs that would prevent men and women in uniform from participating.
Dorrinson, a Pentagon spokesman, said that, within an hour of Trump’s
request, more than a hundred thousand military personnel complained that
they were suffering from acute cases of bone spurs that would make
marching in such a parade a painful ordeal.
“In the history of the
U.S. military, we have never experienced a bone-spur epidemic of this
magnitude,” the spokesman said. “Regrettably, however, we have no choice
but to issue thousands of deferments.”
A statement from the
bone-spur sufferers said that they would continue to valiantly serve
their country around the world in a non-marching capacity, and offered
an alternative to their participation in Trump’s proposed pageant.
“President Trump is welcome to march in the parade all by
himself if he would finally like to enlist,” the statement read.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.